Stop Your Whining: Barbie isn't Supposed to Be Human. She's a FRICKIN DOLL.

I just saw a segment on The View. It was yet another study on what Barbie would look like if she were human with those proportions of hers. She would have to crawl on the floor because her feet are so small, she wouldn't be able to stand, etc etc etc. Guess what, you f*ckheads? She is a DOLL. She wasn't created to be a replica of a human for a medical class.

Most dolls are exaggerated- almost ALL of them are! What if Cabbage Patch Kids were human!? They would have gigantic heads that would be so heavy that their faces would hit the floor. What if La La Loopsy were real?! People would be blind because their eyes would be motherf-ing buttons. What if Strawberry Shortcake were real? She would be three feet f-ing tall and the constant smell of berries would bring her nausea.

Barbie is a fantasy doll. A doll who fits into cool clothes and who has cool hair. I didn't want to stretch her gold sparkly dress over wide mom hips. I didn't want to put on her metallic pink bikini on an A-cup. I wanted the bitch to look good! Not like ME, or anyone I knew. I wanted her to look fantastic. And she did.

Did Barbie cause my teenage eating disorders? Possibly. I don't know. Will have to visit a shrink. Did I think my body should look like hers in my twenties? I wished it would. But let's get real- anyone who thinks they should look like a doll is nuts in the head. Me included.

Keep Barbie the fantasy doll. She looks great in her clothes. She has waist long princess hair and feet bent to fit into pumps. Let's not be haters.

Read More

Barbies in 1985

 I loved 1985 and I loved Barbie. But I don't remember having these Barbies from 1985! The one above is Magic Moves Barbie (thank you to flickriver, where I got these pics). Did I already do a post on her? I can't remember. Anyway, her big thing was that she moved all by herself, people! And she wore this ice blue outfit and had super frosted hair!

 The back of the box is hilarious- it shows all of the "moves" she can do- which consist of her in 20 poses with her boa/cape. She could have taken those same pictures without the special "moves" feature! But we didn't care- we wanted the new outfit and the slightly different hairstyles of these Barbies!

 Have I already mentioned Dream Glow Barbie? She has a cute ponytail that we tried to leave in, but then we HAD to brush her hair so we removed the little clear rubberbands. Dream Glow Barbie had stars on her dress that GLOWED people. If you had a black light, you could see them better than the rest of us, who had to go in a closet.

 And if that wasn't enough, you could get a Dream Glow BED! Fancy!!

 Speaking of fancy, here is a little hair accessories kit from 1985. Curlers (that didn't work but were cute), a tiara (always necessary in my world) and some other stuff that I can't tell what it is, are all included in this kick ass kit. That extra braid of hair was always good for up dos and general fanciness!

 Wha wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! A little fashion mall? I believe this is from the 70's, but I had to throw it in here. It looks like a little vinyl carrying case that opens into a FASHION PLAZA! With a little bridal salon! So cool. Loving the escalator.

 

And lastly, another 1985 Barbie I do not remember: FUN TIME Barbie, who came with a real watch, to capitalize on the SWATCH fad of the mid 80's. She came with a real watch, that of course looked like a Swatch. And there was a frickin watch on her shirt! That is hilarious. She looks really cute though- cute earrings and hair!

Read More

Barbies in 1983

1983 had some pretty cool Barbies. This one, Twirly Curls, was from the year prior, I believe, but this special gift set was available in 83- She had a special outfit. Want to see some others?

This was Crystal Barbie. She had the super-pale hair and the lavender eyes with the iridescent dress that "shined with glamour." Cool! I think it came with a medallion for you to wear.

Loving You Barbie, which I think I talked about 12 times already, made me fall into a trance because of her puffy heart sleeves. She came with a little stamp kit for YOU! She was there to help you write valentines' cards.

Malibu Barbie was out in the years prior, but not SUN GOLD Malibu Barbie. She had a fierce gold lame suit and a gold beach bag- instead of that boring blue suit and bag. Gold is always an upgrade in the world of Barbie.

Here is Sun Gold Skipper- the no boob version of Barbie. Why did Barbie want her hanging around anyway?

Great Shape Barbie came in a leotard and tights (with LEGWARMERS) and a headband. The back of the box showed the exercises she could do...and that ANY barbie could do if you just bent them the same way. Those pictures also look like breakdancing moves...

Fabulous Fur Barbie? How did this escape me? Side pony, glittered body suit and white mink. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! She came with nothing. She has a FUR for pete's sake, how many gifts did you want?

 Barbie was a slave to a beauty salon, lets be honest. And you could have your very own mini-salon, if your parents would buy it. And Ill be damned if that isn't Great Shape Barbie in the picture, still in her legwarmers. She went straight to the salon from the gym. Can you say yeast infection?

 

 The salon came with a little pump to wash her hair (it really sprayed water) curlers, tissue box, a phone, a "streaking wand" to do her hair and scissors. Sweet!

 

 

I love the way they drew Barbie's hair in the 80's- and here is a great example of the golden goodness: The Barbie sticker album and some rub and play transfers, aka, stickers that you could NEVER unstick- they were tattoos for your toys and belongings.
 

 And lastly, a pretty drawing of Pink and Pretty Barbie, my second favorite Barbie of all time, behind Golden Dream Barbie. Lots of floofy pink mink and sheer goodness.



Read More

Beauty Secrets Barbie and Shithead Ken

 Let's look at more Barbie stuff! Today we are looking at things from 1979, another good year for the big flowing-haired Barbie Illustrations. Here is a Barbie Dream House ColorForms set- It is kind of cool because it's like an interior design board- the house is empty and you decorate it the way you wish. (If only I could paint the walls and change out that floor, we'd be in business...)

Neat, huh? I like that pink and blue bed...

 This is one of those vinyl cases that I love- they are super colorful, sort of cheap and always tore at the corners, but they looked so cool. Besides, anything that looked like a briefcase was A-OK by me.

Ooooooooh...Beauty Secrets Barbie! She had fierce bangs! And those turquoise eyes and a dress (robe)? That was the perfect shade of Barbie Pink! *sigh* Basically, this was Barbie before she got ready for a "glamorous night on the town." Your job, you lowly maidservant, was to get her ready. She came with a three way mirror of cardboard and a lavender case of supplies: Toothbrush, washcloth, face powder puff, comb and lipstick! As if that is all that is needed. So you were learning to groom by grooming Barbie...and when you grew up you were completely shocked that there were more 'supplies' needed than those five to look like Barbie...

 Here is Beauty Secrets Christie- A sister needs to get ready for the night on the town too. She has a glamorous blue robe and all of the same supplies. When you pressed a button on their back, their arm would move and powder the face, brush their teeth, etc.

Black Barbie. Geez- couldn't it be African-American Barbie?

 Fierce gold and white outfits!

 Okay, now after all of that glamour, you get this shithead: Sport and shave Ken, with his long scraggly hair and dolphin shorts. THIS is the man for Barbie? I think not. There was some kind of a marker that you colored on his face and a little eraser thing that was the razor, thus getting rid of the five-o-clock shadow of this slacker.

Oh, sorry, he was a marathon runner. He is just missing the sweatband around his head!

Until next time...

Read More

Barbies I Never Knew About

I know Mattel was always pumping out Barbies, and I was sure I knew about all of them. BZZZZ! Wrong! I didn't know about FASHION PHOTO from around 1977. She came with a play camera that was really a remote control to make the Barbie POSE! Say WHAT? I would have loved it. Apparently, the camera had a little wire on it that ran to the posing stand, and it made Barbie "change poses quickly." I'll bet that looked pretty funny, if not downright disappointing. The camera had a colored lens that probably made you feel all artsy- I like that touch.

 

I wish I could make these damn pictures bigger, but something is wrong with my laptop today. Anyway, the Barbie below is also from 1977 and is called Pretty Changes Barbie- she came with clothes that could be mixed and matched and turned around into twenty thousand yellow outfits (she is very reminiscent of Pink n' Pretty Barbie and her changeable wardrobe.) Pretty Changes Barbie also appeared to have hair pieces (even a brunette wig) and hats- now THAT is awesome.

 

 

Does anyone remember this SUPER TEEN Skipper? Not I! But I am sticking with the 1977 theme today, because I just got a 1977 SuperStar Barbie remake or whatever it's called- time capsule Barbie? Anyway, it led me to believe that 1977 was more rockin than I once thought.

Want to look at some more old things?

 

 

 

Did you guys ever play with Color Forms? I liked them enough- but I would have really liked this Barbie one a lot. I think I had a boring Snoopy one, I would have preferred flowing gowns and stars and spotlights.

 

 Oh my gosh, I hope I can enlarge THIS doozy: The 'Me & Barbie Birthday Party' for the lonely 80's child whose parents were out partying: Have a little party by yourself- er- I mean, with BARBIE! It's almost like a REAL party!

 

 and here are the goods inside: Looks like some chairs and party supplies and what appears to be a single plate for your sorry ass to eat cake by yourself.

 

 The party games look cool and colorful though- that is a nice touch there.

 

 Loving this packaging for the Barbie sunglasses

 

 And here are some styling tools to make your OWN crappy hair look like golden spun sunshine like Barbies! And of course, a mirror with Barbie's picture in it, so you won't see yourself.

 

 Dude- a Barbie FUR and JEWELS safe? Wow...at least they were being realistic about her over the top belongings: Lock that shit up, kids.

 

I think I include this item in every Barbie post, but here it is again because I loved it so much: The SuperStar STAGE SHOW with a stage that allowed the Barbies to move on the runway and a little emcee stand.

 

 This looked really cool when it was large, but like doo doo when it's small and I can't delete for some reason, so it stays. This is a neat little photographer studio for Barbie made from Vinyl. I am sure it was quite fun.

 

 

 I love the artwork on the old Barbie coloring books- such candy colors.

And HERE is the PRIZE for the ever-fabulous Barbie? Ken in BELL BOTTOMS? *sigh*

 

Until Next Time!

 



Read More